


Stumbling into Love

by junko



Series: Scatter and Howl [22]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Drinking & Talking, Implied Domestic Violence, Implied Past Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 20:17:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4113574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junko/pseuds/junko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Sixth's Third Seat springs Renji from the hoosegow; Byakuya is left with Ukitake.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stumbling into Love

Renji had only just fallen asleep again when a commotion at the main cell door woke him. The shouting was loud enough to startle awake the guy in the cell across from him. Both he and Renji sat up to stare at the door as the female voice continued her tirade: “What is this maximum security? Are you people insane!? I thought you said you were bringing him over here for protection! This looks like punishment to me!”

There was mumbling from the warden on the other side. Renji got up to see if he could hear any better because, despite being muffled he was thinking he recognized that voice. 

The guy in the opposite cell nodded at the door and asked, “One of yours?”

Renji gave him the ‘not sure yet’ shrug, though he was becoming more convinced that it was Nanako by the second, especially when she continued: “I’m don’t give a crap what your captain said. My captain says my lieutenant gets out. Now.”

The guy gave Renji impressed eyebrows, but said, “You forgot your uniform, Lieutenant.”

Renji snorted. “It’s been a bad night.”

The reiatsu lock powered down. The other shinigami flopped back to his cot. Rolling over to face the wall, he muttered, “I’m guessing it’s about to get better for you.”

Renji wasn’t as sure. He wanted out of this place something fierce, but he felt torn about where he’d go after that. Sleeping on this whole debacle had seemed like a mighty fine option, but now he was potentially facing the question of whether or not he should go back to the estate. Crashing in his quarters was its own kind of fraught-ness, too, since Byakuya would see it as a snub. And he wouldn’t be wrong about that, so Renji would have to make some kind of decision. He’d kind of liked having the decision made for him.

As soon as the main door opened, Nanako pushed through. She wore her uniform, though she’d left her zanpakutō off. Her reiatsu pulsed with a fierceness that showed in her demeanor. She took one look at Renji’s bare legs and stocking feet. Her eyes seemed to linger on the tattoos on his calves for a moment before she wheeled back on the warden. “You made him strip down? Oh. My. God. Heads are going to roll, Mister. Roll.”

“Oi, oi, oi,” Renji said, “Lay off the guy, would you, Nanako? The folks here were only following procedure.”

“Are you kidding me? Procedure for what, exactly?” Nanako said, still outraged. “Are you telling me if my boyfriend beat me up, they’d take my clothes and toss me in jail?”

There was a moment of stunned silence. 

The guy in the opposite cell turned around and sat up, suddenly all curious. Even the warden’s gaze bounced between Nanako and Renji with a wide-eyed, ‘is this true?’ glance.

“Uh,” Renji said, happy that the curtain of hair in front of his face hid the raging blush that flushed across his cheeks. Way to make him feel like some kind of abused weakling. At least the main door had swung closed and not every single soul in the drunk tank had heard that comment. “Any chance you can shut it about my personal stuff? And, for the record, I flattened him. Reason I’m even here is because it looked like I was the troublemaker.”

“Men,” Nanako huffed. “Listen to all this pride and testosterone. Is this what happens between you two?”

Renji gave her a stern look. “How about you get me out of this very public cell, Third Seat, and I’ll tell you all about it?”

Nanako blinked, like she suddenly twigged to the fact that she was talking to her superior officer. “Hai, Fukutaicho!” Snapping a quick bow, she said, “You heard the lieutenant. Get him out of there.”

#

Byakuya really hoped Ukitake would leave when Kyōraku did. But, after a quick, chaste kiss at the doorway, Kyōraku hurried off, leaving Ukitake to settle back under the comforter. Ukitake stretched his long legs out toward the warmth of the kidō-heated stones beneath the kotatsu and poured himself another cup of Byakuya’s tea.

This had the makings of an ambush… an emotional ambush, the kind that Byakuya had been subjected to in the past, when he’d been a seated officer in the Thirteenth. He sighed inwardly and waited.

“So,” Ukitake said, after a sip of tea, “What happened?”

Byakuya frowned. “Taicho, I told you all the details already.”

Ukitake gave Byakuya a gentle, almost pitying crinkle of his dark eyebrows. “Byakuya, surely you understand that I’m asking about the row, not the physical fight.”

“I already explained that as well,” Byakuya said tersely. “It was stupid jealousy. My insecurities.”

Ukitake let out a little sigh. He smiled patiently at his tea bowl for a long moment and then asked, “Is that how you plan to apologize? What will you say to Renji?”

Byakuya’s lips pressed together in a thin line. Ukitake knew Byakuya was terrible at this sort of thing. Why torture him so? “I plan to say: ‘I’m sorry, Renji.’”

Ukitake’s long-boned fingers traced the thin edge of the tea bowl. “You know you’ll have to do better than that.”

“Do I?”

Ukitake shot Byakuya another pained look. “You’ve raised your hand to him. You and I both know this isn’t the first time. Renji needs more than just another ‘I’m sorry’ from you.”

Byakuya could feel his temper rising, and so he took a moment to count to ten. It wasn’t easy. He had to close his eyes and not look at Ukitake’s concerned face. As he counted, Byakuya realized his sudden flood of emotion was actually not anger as much as it was shame, wrapped in anger. It shamed him deeply to be accused of such abuse towards someone he loved. A part of him felt he should get a reward for even thinking to apologize. His grandfather never would have.

Which made it worse.

“What am I supposed to say?” Byakuya asked, when he was finally able to open his eyes again. “When what I have done is so unforgivable?”

Ukitake gave Byakuya a kind smile. “Well, that’s certainly a start, isn’t it?”

“To say that I don’t know what to say?” Byakuya asked, exasperated.

“It’s honest, isn’t it?” Ukitake asked, pouring Byakuya another cup of tea. 

“I don’t know how to do this…” Byakuya groped around for an appropriate word, and, coming up with nothing better said, “…people thing.”

Ukitake chuckled, “No one does, dear boy. We all just stumble through.”

“I hate stumbling,” Byakuya groused.

“I know,” Ukitake said, reaching out to pat Byakuya’s hand. “But the only thing you have to worry about with stumbling is the fall, and you’ve already fallen in love, haven’t you?”

Byakuya sensed the profoundness there, but had to struggle at its true application. “So,” he said carefully, after sipping his tea, “what you’re saying is that, in love, I should… “ Byakuya hated failing these tests Ukitake put to him, and yet he always had done. Still, he valiantly struggled forward. “…just tell him whatever comes to mind? But, sempai, my mind is a terrible place. How will he possibly still love me?”

“He will. If you actually speak to him honestly, he will love you even more.”

“How can you be so certain?”

“Because Shunsui still loves me, and I him.” Ukitake said, a sad smile playing on his lips. 

Byakuya nodded, unwilling to say that this situation was profoundly different, neither of them could have demons quite as strong as either Renji’s or his own.

But then, Ukitake shivered and said, almost inaudibly, “And there is no darkness like the soul of Shunsui Kyōraku.”

#

Nanako bought a pitcher of beer and carried it to their table by the fire pit. Renji had considered telling her that the last thing he needed was more beer, but the truth was he still didn’t want to face going ‘home,’ wherever the hell that was supposed to be tonight.

The izakaya they’d found a short distance from the Ninth’s barracks was homey. The flooring was rough-hewn wood; the furnishings were simple, almost rustic, but comfortable. Renji watched the fire crackling and let the white noise of the tavern’s patrons’ conversations wash over him. Plunking a glass in front of him, Nanako said, “Get this in you and then tell me what’s going on with you and the captain.”

Renji took a sip of the beer. Like this whole bar, it was basic, but good. “Where do you want me to start?” he asked. “This thing has been a bit of a mess from the start.”

She tipped her glass back, drank nearly half, and then refilled it. “You know if Kinjo raised even a finger to me, I’d be so gone.”

“Well, good. ‘Cuz Kinjo’s a jerk,” Renji said. Tipping his glass to her, he added, “I’ve never known what you see in that guy.”

“I have to say the feeling is mutual,” Nanako said, pushing her braids over her shoulder with a toss of her head. “The captain surprises me. I wouldn’t have thought him for the sort.”

“This isn’t exactly a regular thing, Nanako,” Renji pointed out. 

“Shouldn’t happen at all.”

Renji thought about that for a moment, and then decided there wasn’t much to say besides, “Truth.”

“You should have some self-respect, Renji,” she said, slugging down another half a glass.

“Oi,” Renji said, but then the protest died on his lips. “It’s not that.” A waitress deposited a flat plate filled with skewered foods. There were the traditional chicken, but also ginko nuts, shishito peppers, and ikada scallions. Renji took one of the chicken sticks and pulled off some meat with his teeth. “Okay, so I see why you might think that, but I feel like I stand up for myself when I need to. I didn’t let him hit me this time; I didn’t even let him come close. Most of the time when he got a smack in, it was because I wasn’t expecting it or literally didn’t see it coming. It’s not like I stand there saying, ‘thank you, sir, may I have another.’”

She raised her eyebrows around her glass.

“What?” he asked to her expression. “You don’t believe me or something?”

Setting her glass down on the low table, she picked up the ginko nuts and pulled one off the stick with her fingers and then popped it into her mouth. “I believe you,” she said, “I just wince to hear you say ‘this time’ when you talk about this stuff.”

“Whatever,” Renji said, with a shrug and another sip of his beer. “I ain’t even pissed off about that part. The thing I hate is that he’s got this control thing. Sometimes he acts like I’m some kind of beast in need of collaring.” He chewed on another piece of chicken. It was lightly flavored with mirin—a hint of sweetness and a mild alcoholic tang. “Thing is, I know that’s sexy to him. But, I kind of wish it would stay in the bedroom, if you know what I mean.”

Nanako clearly thought about what it meant, because her face did all sorts of contortions before she settled in a deep blush. “You… a collar…?”

“Yeah,” Renji admitted. “And, like, that’s hot. But, sometimes that gets all mixed-up with anytime we have a disagreement or he thinks I’m being too… wild or low-class or misbehaving or whatever the fuck. But, this is what I’m talking about with things between us being kind of screwed up from the start. We first went at it in this huge mess of captain/lieutenant/subjugating/dominance thing and we never really got over that.”

If it were possible for Nanako’s eyebrows to crawl off the top of her head, they would have. They certainly were giving it a go. “Uh… wow.”

“Right,” Renji nodded. “Add on top of that, the fact is that for Byakuya—and, this is in strictest confidence, got it? No blabbing a word of any of this to that no-boundaries boyfriend of yours or anyone else for that matter—“ Renji waited for her to nod in agreement, before continuing, “For Byakuya the bondage/dominance thing is a kink. And one he’s repressed forever as far as I can figure, so untangling it from his psyche is… well, it’s complicated. Part of the fight tonight was because I managed to imply that sometimes uncomplicated sex is nice.”

“Oh,” she said with a low, warning whistle.

“Yeah,” Renji agreed sadly. “Of course the other part of the fight was because he’s dick and doesn’t think I’m really bisexual because Rukia once told him some bullshit.”

“Does she not know you’re in love with her?”

“See,” Renji laughed, “Everyone else can figure it out!”

Nanako laughed, “You did nearly wreck half the Seireitei for her. In the Soul Society, that’s a big ‘I Love You’ letter.”

“Good point, the only guy that wrecked the place more for her was Ichigo, and, yeah… that kind of proves your point.” They both chuckled about that for a while as they sipped their beers. 

Then Nanako asked thoughtfully, “Do you suppose by that logic the Kenpachi is hot for Ichigo?”

Renji laughed, but then, sobering, said, “Probably.”

#

Ukitake was lost in his own thoughts for a long time. Byakuya excused himself to use the water closet. Between all the beer and tea, he felt like he was swimming. When he made his way back, Ukitake was standing. Byakuya brightened, hoping this was finally goodnight. He opened his mouth to make some pleasantries about how sorry he would be to see his former captain go, when Ukitake asked, “Will you give me a tour of the cherry orchards? It’s been forever.”

Byakuya frowned, but he could hardly be impolite. “Taicho, the trees are barren.”

“But the moon is full,” Ukitake said with a ‘please’ of a smile. “Besides, I hear you have lovely koi in your pond.”

“Yet yours are always somehow bigger,” Byakuya noted. 

Ukitake rubbed the back of his head and smiled like a bashful schoolboy. “It’s a mystery! Maybe Ugendo has better algae.”

Byakuya long suspected that someone was stealing his fish and transplanting them to Ukitake’s place, though he still wasn’t sure who. It seemed unlikely that Ukitake was doing it himself. Perhaps Kyōraku would stoop so low, but it seemed awfully laborious for such a lazy old bear.

“Shall we?” Byakuya asked, sliding open the door to the library’s courtyard. The brisk air snapped at Byakuya’s nose and jolted him awake. Bright moonlight showed brightly in the crisp dark night. Silhouetted in its silvery light, the knobby pine in the center of the courtyard stood tall and foreboding. Somewhere nearby an owl hooted. 

“Lovely,” Ukitake sighed. “Winter is a favorite of mine. Everything is so stark, each line so clean and simple. Like calligraphy.”

While Byakuya could appreciate the sentiment, he never much cared for winter and its killing frosts and long, dark nights. Though he had been born to it, Byakuya always secretly preferred the wild brightness of autumn, the trees bedecked in a gaudy riot of colors that rivaled the monotony of cherry blossom season. But he could never say such a thing aloud.

Though, perhaps, Renji would understand.

Did Renji like his birth month? The end of August, the dog days of summer. Hmph, dogs. Probably not, then.

“Was it Ginrei?” Ukitake asked quietly when they had made their way to the main garden gate. 

The hinges squeaked in protest as Byakuya opened it. “Was my grandfather, what?”

Ukitake took in a breath, seemed to hold it a moment, and then let it go. “Was it Ginrei that made you so hard?”

“Without a doubt,” Byakuya said, unemotionally. “He, himself, was a very hard man. Strict. Proud. Unbending.”

“Yes,” Ukitake said hesitantly, as if they were skirting the edges of something dangerous. “You… admired him?”

Byakuya said nothing. His feelings toward his grandfather were complicated. Of course Ginrei Kuchiki had been a model to aspire to. He was the perfect clan head and captain in so many ways--ruthlessly swift on the battlefield, decisive, and honorable. 

He expected the best of everyone. Demanded it.

Yet, no one ever lived up to such expectations, least of all a fiery, impetuous grandson.

“I was a disappointment to him,” Byakuya said, after a moment. The gravel path crunched beneath their sandals, a lonely echo in the still, cold air. “But I loved him. When my parents died, he was my only close family.” 

Not that that had stopped Grandfather from sending Byakuya away more than once. The first time was the horribly shameful exile for his disastrous dalliance with the stable boy, but the others… Byakuya would never know what triggered his banishments, except that Grandfather must have tired of him in some way or thought that others could teach Byakuya something he could not.

Whatever it was, Byakuya never did seem to have learned it.

“I’m sorry to say, but I still curse the day Sōjun died. I loved him well; he had such a good heart. His death left such a hole in so many hearts,” Ukitake said, taking Byakuya’s arm in his as they walked along the tall grasses that led to the cherry orchard. 

Byakuya pushed away his grief with, “Father was hardly perfect. Many of those hearts he left behind were his myriad of lovers and mistresses.” At Ukitake’s shocked expression, Byakuya explained, “It was his example that was thrust at me when I refused to marry for convenience. I was told over and over that there was no reason to make my family suffer a low-born wife when my father had kept dozens of…” Byakuya’s voice broke at the refreshed memory of how betrayed he’d felt. He’d never known. Like any child, he’d believed in true love, believed he saw it in his parents’ eyes. He took a breath and chuckled darkly, “On the other hand, there wouldn’t be nearly so many secret passages in the estate without his dalliances. We must be thankful for those.”

“Oh, Byakuya.” Ukitake took hold of Byakuya’s hand and squeezed it hard. “Is this why you struggle so much with jealousy? Are you still angry with your father?”

Byakuya stopped walking. It had never occurred to him that he might be reliving that particular betrayal, at least in part, when confronted with the idea of his lover having other lovers. 

Perhaps it was so, but he’d been jealous and possessive long before he knew about Father’s straying habits. Byakuya had been blind with rage any time he thought of Hisana working, as she did when she was still an oiran. But, he could never blame her for her situation. Once he removed her from it, he guarded her fiercely, like a prize. 

To be fair, her love had been hard won and nearly impossible to keep. 

And then, far too soon gone.

They had come to the crest of the hill that overlooked the cherry orchard. Twisted, lifeless branches snaked up toward the full moon. Beyond them, the lake glowed silver in the night. Stars danced above, feeble in the yawning blackness.

“No,” he said at last. “I blame Death. Everyone I have ever loved was stolen from me by death or misfortune. Is it any wonder I cling selfishly to what I have? Nothing ever lasts, so I grip it hard in cold fists of steel, but it runs from my grasping fingers like water… like blood. Death will take Renji, too. He runs to it, like a moth to flame. So, of course I hold him too close, too near.”

Ukitake’s face settled grimly. He put a hand on Byakuya’s shoulder. “You should be saying this to Renji.”

#

After they went down a long list of who they figured was in love with who based on how much of the world they’d destroyed, Nanako pointed out how much damage Renji had done fighting Byakuya. Then, she asked: “What are you going to do now?”

Renji let out a long breath. Rubbing his eyes, he shook his head. “Fuck if I know. I kind of wish you’d let me rot at the Ninth. I can’t even decide if I should kip in my own bunk or try to go back and talk to him.”

“Well, the good news is if you don’t want to see him for a while, it’s completely up to you. He can’t leave his estate,” she pointed out. “House arrest. So, if you don’t go to him, he can’t come to you.”

Renji stared at the bottom of his empty glass. There wasn’t much left in the pitcher, either. They’d eaten all the food the waitress had brought them, three plates full, and now it was time for rice. Which meant it was time to go. “Yeah but do I want that?”

“I don’t know, do you?”

“I don’t think being apart is really what we need,” Renji said. “We have plenty of silences between us as it is. Too much.”

Nanako nodded. Reaching up her hand she signaled to the waitress for the last of the food and the bill. “What are you going to say to him?”

Leaning his elbow on the table, Renji rested his cheek on his fist. With his other hand, he stacked up the skewers into a neat pile. “I guess we have to talk about how he holds me down outside of the bedroom, but I really fucking don’t want to. That’s going to get so ugly.”

She nodded sympathetically. “It’s not going to get better if you don’t.”

Renji laughed. “Yeah, but it ain’t going to get worse.”

“Yes it is,” she insisted, catching his gaze and holding it. “Renji, you know that’s not how it works. Stuff like that _does_ get worse. It festers.”

Renji pulled a face at her and sat up to tug at one of her thick braids, “When’d you get so smart?”

“I grew up near the Eleventh, remember, with just my Pa. I know how stupid men are,” she said, swatting his hand away playfully.

He smiled at that, but then, more seriously, asked: “If you know so much, tell me how a guy like me is supposed to ask a man like him to, you know, lay off? I don’t like saying I can’t deal. It makes me feel stupid and weak. So I’d rather say nothing.”

She looked like she wanted to roll her eyes again and mutter something about men, but she just let out an exasperated sigh. “Renji, just say it like that, then.”

“What? Tell him I don’t want to talk about shit because it makes me feel dumb? That’s not going to get us anywhere.”

“I bet you’d be surprised,” she said.

Renji frowned. “How so?”

“I bet he feels the same damn way.”

They ate their bowls of chazuke, finishing last slurps at last call. Nanako settled the bill, which Renji argued feebly, but, truthfully, he was skinned. They walked to the Division talking about her and Kinjo, the weather, and nothing much. At the gate, the guard let them in with grim expressions, no doubt having heard enough about everything to guess where Renji had been.

“What are people saying?” Renji asked once they were inside. “Am I the villain again? Insubordinate as usual?”

“Don’t get like that,” Nanako admonished. “But people are talking. You know everyone’s been waiting for this fraternization thing to blow up.”

Renji nodded. He’d decided to change into his uniform before heading up to see Byakuya, so he stopped off at his long neglected quarters. As he had no decent way of storing the expensive silks, he left them carefully spread out on his cot. 

He glanced out his narrow window at the roofs of the estate that could be seen over the wall. The moonlight caught their angles and made them stand out in sharp relief, like the cutting petals of Senbonzakura. 

He’d faced those and lived. He shouldn’t be afraid to talk to the damn man.

Shutting the window to the cold, Renji twisted his hair up into its usual topknot, as though he were preparing for war. Thrusting Zabimaru into its place at his side finished the feeling. Right, he could do this.

But, he didn’t quite trust himself to make the walk without chickening out, so Renji shunpō’d the short distance, vaulting the wall. When the front door opened, the new house steward looked so happy to see Renji that he also looked ready to go in for a hug. He pulled himself together just in time. “Master Abarai,” he said, relief evident in his voice. “The whole staff has been worried sick. We feared you'd had an accident!”

Renji glanced up from kicking off his sandals. “Accident? Byakuya ain’t been weasling that I had an accident, has he?”

“His lordship has said nothing,” Hoshi said. “He’s been so deathly upset, and with all the captains and everyone tearing in and out of here, we feared the worst.”

“You can tell everyone I’m okay,” Renji assured him. But, he was surprised to hear about all the activity. Could it be the head captain had already handed down some decision? “So, uh, should I just head upstairs? Is he in bed?”

“Oh,” Hitoshi stammered, clearly a little embarrassed by the intimacy of Renji’s question. “Actually, his lordship is out in the orchard with Captain Ukitake. I’d planned to have you wait in the sitting room.”

Ukitake? So… had Byakuya actually called for help? Renji couldn’t imagine that Ukitake would be happy to hear about the fight. It was hard to forget the way that Ukitake had come between them the last time Byakuya had raised his hand. Maybe Byakuya hadn’t told about that, though. Could be they were just strategizing about how to beat the fraternization rap. Still, Renji figured he ought to leave them to it. He opened his mouth to say ‘forget it,’ that he’d turn around and go back to his own bed, but he stopped himself. “Yeah, okay. I’ll wait. But could you tell him I’m here?”

#

Byakuya hardly remembered to tell Ukitake a proper goodbye, he was running so fast back to Renji. He’d come. Renji’d actually come to the estate and was waiting for him. 

Chiding himself for being so giddy with relief, Byakuya reminded himself that Renji could very well be there to tell Byakuya he was done with this whole business and that their ‘wedding’ was off. That slowed his step. Catching Hitoshi’s sleeve, Byakuya asked, “How did the lieutenant seem?”

Hitoshi glanced at Byakuya’s hand like it might burn him. “Like himself,” Hitoshi said, nervously. “Amiable, if gruff.”

“He didn’t seem brooding or angry?” Byakuya told himself to let go, and to stop clinging to Hitoshi’s sleeve like a schoolgirl, but he couldn’t. “Not sad or determined?”

“Um, we said no more than ten words, my lord. I have too little to judge.”

Byakuya let go at last. “Very well. It hardly matters at any rate. He will be how he will be.”

#

Renji was admiring the fusuma panel of a tiger stalking a deer through tall grass, when the door slid open so fast that it banged. Renji turned around, surprised, only to be caught up in Byakuya’s arms.


End file.
